Leaky Faucets

Nearly four years ago, we cancelled our cable.  Mainly a bid to save some money for our wedding ($50 a month adds up) and an attempt to watch less television, it was also partly a protest against CNN’s nauseating cheerleading coverage of the march up to the invasion of Iraq.  I also knew that even without cable we’d still be able to pick up some channels, most notably Aya’s favorite: the Food Network.  You see, we had to return the cable box, but the cable wires still remained.  By connecting them directly into the TV, it allowed us to get cable reception as well as a few cable channels such as NY1 (local news), ESPN2 (not alas, ESPN-the only channel I really miss), TBS, Sci-Fi, C-Span 1 and 2 , the often enjoyable Queens Public Television cable access channels nd a few others.  At one time we also had History Channel and Comedy Central but those were unceremoniously taken away some time ago.

Last week, when Aya’s sister was here she was flipping through the channels and discovered that we had MTV, which we never had before.  This wasn’t much of a thrill for me since I haven’t really been a fan of the channel since the Flock of Seagulls and Bow Wow were regulars.  I did learn that most of MTV’s programming now consists of reality shows aimed at an exceedingly shallow high school audience.

On Monday, I did stumble upon a noteworthy new addition to our new channel lineup.  When I landed on channel 80, one of the new Star Wars movies was on.  I had never seen any of them so I wasn’t sure which it was.  I had no idea what channel this was.  I kept waiting for the commercial to come on but it never did, so I went to the TV Guide Channel and waiting an interminable amount of time for channel 80 to reveal its identity.  HB fucking O!  I couldn’t believe it.  Free HBO!  I don’t even have cable.  How am I getting HBO?  I figured it would go away in a day.  Maybe it was one of those holiday weekend promotions where they give you a preview of HBO for a few days.  But on Tuesday it was still there, so I watched “The Sopranos.” Wednesday still there.  Watched Bill Maher’s show.  I expect the rug to be pulled out from underneath us any day now.  But until then, I’ll enjoy my free HBO.

I just found out that Kim Jong Il and I have the very same birthday: yesterday, February 16. It happens to be an important national holiday in North Korea. (Funny, that my birthday is not an important national holiday in the U.S., although President’s Day is usually pretty close.) “Dear Leader” and I are also big NBA fans. What else do we have in common I wonder? As for contrasts between the two of us: I certainly don’t think that I would lead a county in the exact same manner as him. For instance, I highly doubt that I’d horde boatloads of European luxury goods and salivate over nuclear warheads while millions of my people starve on three grains of rice a day. That’s Kim’s style. Not mine. Anyway, Happy Birthday Kim! I mean sir.

For the past few months I have not been able to close the drawer of my nightstand.  No matter how hard I slammed it or gently pushed it in, it would just slide right back out, often all the way out.  I checked several times to make sure nothing was blocking it from closing.  I did not see anything inside the drawer or underneath.  There was no way to take the draw out so I eventually resigned myself to its imperfection.  Yesterday I closed it expecting it to slide out but it didn’t.  It stayed shut.  Completely shut.  Now each time I close it, it stays closed.  Why?  I didn’t do anything different.  As unimportant as this is in the grand scheme of things, it made me really happy.  One less thing to annoy me.  Remember that book “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff?”  It’s bullshit to me.  The small stuff are the main stuff that I do sweat.  

Every meal now takes the form of a race.  Not so much a marathon but more of a 5K.  We want to finish eating before Ana wakes up for her next feeding.  It’s best if at least one of us can finish before she gets hungry.  It’s not that we necessarily eat any faster; we’re just holding our breath, hoping that she gives us a little time to ourselves.  We just finished dinner without a peep out of her.

When I posted last it was halftime of the Super Bowl. Since then, it’s been a whirlwind of events that have left me little time or energy to write. I’ll give it a shot now but don’t expect to have too much time in the coming weeks.

For those of you who don’t know, my first child, Ana Sofia, was born in the wee hours of Tuesday morning, February 6. Aya and I spent a very uncomfortable night at Roosevelt Hospital on Sunday and a very long day on Monday waiting for Ana to decide to come out. She finally did at 12:24 am, a little more than 24 hours after Aya’s labor was induced. Labor wasn’t as painful as she expected thanks in part to the epidural that she decided to get. At the beginning of her pregnancy I was against her getting the epidural, but I changed my mind when I realized how important it was for her to have as painless an experience as possible. After seeing how much better she felt after the anesthesia, I gained an entirely new perspective on their benefits, especially when viewed against the shrieking sounds of agony from other laboring women that permeated our room from adjacent rooms. I wondered why they don’t sound proof the rooms so as not to intimidate others. Nurses confirmed that the women who were screaming rejected the epidural, though at least one later relented. As expected, our doctor did a fantastic job. She was very calming and comforting throughout. The nurses were also good, particularly the last one who assisted Dr. Dinnall on the delivery.

Aya and the baby came home on Wednesday and (pardon the cliché) our lives have changed immeasurably. Aya’s sister was with us during the delivery and stayed with us until Thursday. We were lucky to have her help in so many ways. My mom was here for the weekend and she was extremely excited to spend time with her first grandchild. I’m thankful that she was willing to get up in the middle of the night to change diapers and feed Ana.

Speaking of changing diapers, that seems like all we’ve been doing lately. A couple days ago, I was changing her diaper at 4 am and she assaulted me with projectile feces. Right in the glasses. If she wasn’t so cute, she wouldn’t get away with this kind of behavior.   Never before in my life have I spent so much time looking at someone else’s butt hole.

The first few days were absolutely disorienting for both of us. Survival mode as they say. There were many moments of panic. Basically, every time she cried we freaked out. I’m happy to say that we have gotten much better with experience. I’ve learned to be calm and not get upset when she screams. We’re also starting to figure out what her different cries mean and we’re learning that she isn’t always hungry. Still, every time I’m trying to relax and I hear her cry through the baby monitor, I twitch a bit. Newborns are supposed to sleep more, but a lot of times she lies in the crib with her eyes open just staring. I guess she is more alert than most 8-day-olds but I sure wish she would sleep more during the day. At night she does pretty well so far.

Staying at home all the time is another issue. If it wasn’t so cold out we’d definitely get out more. We did take her for a few walks around the neighborhood last weekend when it was a bit warmer. Other than that, I haven’t gone too far from home. The highlight of my day yesterday was my trip to the bank in Forest Hills.

All that aside, having a child is an amazing experience. It’s like falling in love again, yet as everyone knows love doesn’t come without difficulties. I’m looking forward to watching her grow and I can’t wait till she sleeps through the night so I don’t have to get up at 4:00 in the morning to feed her and change her, and I we can reassemble some semblance of a life for ourselves. It’s amazing and scary figuring out how to take care of another human who is completely dependent on you. Pets are much easier as they don’t need their asses wiped, can hold their heads up and can eat without being fed. On the other hand, they’ll never be able to speak to you no matter how much you try (with the exception of some species of birds I suppose, but that’s really just mimicry isn’t it?)

I promise not to turn this into a baby blog, but I thought it important to explain my absence and write about this momentous event. I cannot, however, promise that future posts will not have mentions of poopy diapers, burping, sleepless nights, more projectile defecation and hopefully triumphant moments for both baby and parents.

By the way, I missed the end of the Super Bowl. The waiting room at the hospital didn’t have a TV and by the time we got into the room and I turned it on, the post game show was on. Peyton finally got a ring and I got a daughter. Congratulations to the both of us.

Finally.  This is what I’m talking about.  Only I didn’t expect it to happen in Miami.  I’ve always wanted the Super Bowl to be played in real football conditions, i.e. snow, rain, mud.  Snow will likely never happen unless they listen to my advice and play the game in outdoor stadiums like Lambeau, Soldier Field and Cleveland Stadium.  Instead, they go for fairy-tale, made-for-television artificial football environments in Florida, California and Arizona, and indoor monstrosities all over the country. 

I absolutely love this rainy weather so far in this game despite the sloppy play and multiple turnovers in the first quarter.  It’s a close game, which is pretty rare for the Super Bowl, partly, I think because of where the games are played.  Weather is a great equalizer, and more importantly, it’s how the game is supposed to be played.  Remember the “Ice Bowl” NFL Championship between the Packers and Cowboys before the Super Bowl?  Well, I’ve only seen it on NFL Films but it was pretty amazing.  I always enjoy playoff games better than the Super Bowl because they are not played in Disneyfied settings.

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In an amusing moment in the first quarter, the Colts fumbled and the ball briefly rolled on the ground.  Aya said she thought it was someone’s head for a moment.  That shows how much she watches football and how violent she envisions it to be.

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Why did Prince do the halftime show this year?  What happened to Janet Jackson?  I thought she was great.

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We’re leaving for the hospital shortly so I’m not sure if I’ll get to see the second half.  Hopefully, they’ll have a TV in the room.  Aya is almost two weeks late and she will be staying over tonight to have labor induced tomorrow.  Stay tuned.

I accidentally stumbled onto “The Cosby Show” yesterday morning on channel 9. I guess the TV was on 9 when I turned it off the night before; I was watching “Bernie Mac” for a few minutes, which I never watch, but it was mildly amusing so I stayed with it for a few minutes because I didn’t feel like going to sleep and I wasn’t up for reading either. Anyway, when I saw Cosby, the end credits were rolling. Then, just when my disappointment was at its nadir, a new episode started. Back-to-back Cosby at 8 am. It doesn’t get any better than that. I haven’t seen reruns of Cosby in years, not since I lived in Cleveland. Back then, it was on all the time on Ch. 43. I’m sure I’ve seen every episode multiple times except for the later ones wit cousin Pam which were horrific. The ones with the second cute little girl, Olivia, who was Denise’s stepdaughter and had to replace Rudy who was no longer cute, weren’t very good either. What I really liked were the early ones when Denise still lived at home and Theo was in high school. Whenever I was depressed as a kid or teen, and I watched Cosby, my mood suddenly brightened. I can’t explain it. No other sitcom ever did that for me. Now that I know that it’s on Ch. 9, I expect to make that a regular part of my morning routine. At least until the episodes with cousin Pam start coming on.  

Just read that Condoleeza Rice is a Cleveland Browns fan because Browns games were broadcast in Condi’s hometown of Birmingham, Alabama when she was growing up. I may have to start rooting for the Steelers now.

While on the toilet this morning a brilliant solution to the mass violence in Iraq occurred to me. It had nothing to do with the toilet or even the bathroom, I just happen to do some of my best thinking on the throne.

This is what I came up with. Why are so many people dying in Baghdad? Answer: because they leave their house, and particularly because they go to the markets to buy things, most importantly food. Most of the major bombings seem to happen at markets. Well, if people just had their food delivered in Baghdad, they wouldn’t run into those nasty suicide bombers, mortars and truck bombs. There’s a company in New York called Fresh Direct, where you can order groceries online and have them delivered. Perhaps, they should open a franchise in Baghdad. Besides the safety of the drivers, many of whom would probably be kidnapped and/or murdered so that there vehicles could be used for the aforementioned suicide bombs or truck bombs, what’s the downside?. Even if the FD trucks were transformed into lethal weapons, their choice of targets would be severely diminished if people stopped going to the markets in masse. And let’s face it, grocery delivery services in Iraq are most likely an untapped market. It’s a win-win situation.

Am I too clumsy too have a kid?  Yesterday morning I spilled coffee during breakfast and today I knocked a glass of water over on my nightstand.  I almost dropped my cell phone onto the subway tracks yesterday afternoon, but I wouldn’t have gone after it like that young woman who did and was hit by the train.  Not worth it.  I dropped my iPod twice in two weeks; the first time the hard drive crashed and I exchanged it for a new one.  This time it was okay.  Maybe I’m a bit nervous with the kid coming any day.  But I’m clumsy normally.  I guess now I’m just a little distracted.